The Life of a Debut Author
Today I realized that the anxiety has less to do with my to-do list and more to do with the reality that, like Taylor, I’m also ending one era and beginning another. Excluding my day job as a copywriter, for years I’ve written mostly for myself. I’ve written to get out of my head, to sort out my feelings, to fulfill a creative need. I wrote through the angst and confusion of being a teenager and new adult. I’ve written through the blur of early motherhood as a way to remember myself outside of the roles I play for others. You could say I’ve been in my own Tortured Poet’s era as a writer for over two decades—mostly writing in obscurity as a way to work through swirling thoughts and messy emotions.
But now, by putting my words out into the world, I’m entering my own kind of showgirl era—one where something I once reserved for myself is suddenly center stage, beneath a spotlight saying “Look at me!”
Whether the crowd cheers or boos, I’m letting them into a space that, up until now, has been my personal sanctuary. The fear is less the reaction of others and more my reaction to it. If my words are rejected, will I start to reject them? If a stranger doesn’t value my work, will I see less value in it? Am I tainting something sacred to me by sharing it?
These are the real thoughts and fears behind the scenes of a debut author 5 days from publication. But, ultimately, when I decided to take the path to publication a few years ago, I decided the power of words to connect people to themselves and each other was more important than my personal discomfort. I took this path knowing there was no going back. Today it feels like the tickets are sold, the seats are filled, and I’m backstage tempted to sneak out in a broom cart. But, ready or not, the show must go on.
So, today I’m reminding myself that all of those “Tortured Poet’s” nights I spent writing alone were always leading me to this next chapter—a chapter where the story stops being mine and becomes an experience for someone else. To quote Taylor herself, come this Tuesday, “…the story isn’t mine anymore. It’s yours.”
See you in my author era,
-K
